SneakyTortoise
Official Master of Salt
Well, what a week we’ve had. Everyone put on quite a show this week, so let’s try and get our heads round it. Before we get to that though, special mention to the Kitana mains that took last week’s report hostage. That wasn’t annoying at all.
Tanya
First, we had the Tanya scare. People were freaking out in the twitch stream and losing it over twitter calling her “Batgirl 2.0”. Cries of “top 5, top 10 easily” were all over the shop. People were claiming she was some horrible product from an orgy gone wrong between Akuma, Rolento, Batgirl and Decapre. A thread was even created in the Tanya forums before she was even released entitled “Nerfbat?”. I swear to God, I am not making this shit up.
I imagine a lot of you think that I’m exaggerating and you can’t remember the Tanya scare. Well, that’s probably because of the hotfix notes, which arrived the next day, when everyone lost their fucking minds.
Kenshi
The first of June should now be celebrated as Kenshi’s birthday, as the hot fix may as well have been called “Kenshi-main porn and some other shit”. He got venom pumped into every orifice possible, striking fear into everyone that wasn’t prepared to run into Pig’s arms and accept him as their new father. Although, some *cough*stomthegates*cough* even talked about setting up a petition to have these buffs removed. It would appear the Salt machine of MK9 is back.
The children not prepared to jump aboard theBane Kenshi train decided to act out in another way. Jealous of the gifts this poor, blind man had received, they started demanding gifts of their own, as if they were Veruca Salt and Paulo was Willy fucking Wonka. This is what led to “Bottom 5 gate”. Threads all over TYM were like ambiguous set ups, where even the OP didn’t know if they were trolling or not.
Reptile
The instigator of the bottom 5 trend, this was one of the few which I can say with certainty was absolutely not a troll thread. The reptile community seems absolutely split, which I’m sure no one saw coming after the MK9 days…
Bold claims were made on both sides of the argument, but it was clear that the salt is very strong among the Reptile community. My personal favourite moment was PPJ jumping in and regulating, but I stopped reading after about 4 pages so I’m sure there is some gold in the following 30-odd pages of acidic tears. Special shoutouts to the guy that made the “reptile is perfect” thread. If you’re still alive, I respect your reptilian balls.
But talk of Reptile soon got boring, and that’s when TYM went ham. We had ”low tier”, “Buff pls”, “unviable” threads for Cassie, Sub Zero, D’Vorah, Ermac, Kano and fuck knows who else. If you weren’t part of the bottom 5 club, you just weren’t cool.
Now, my better judgement tells me most of these were trolling, but the latter three seemed serious, which made me want to reach through the internet and bitch slap some people Shinnok style. It was, however, entertaining to say the very least and I hope that Paulo was watching in the shadows, loving every minute of it while we turned on each other like the animals we are.
GORO
Infuriated by the absolute gall by any other community’s complaints, the Goro community was up in arms. Any time you even think about suggesting your main might be in the infamous bottom 5, you can be sure that the Goro army, led by AOK Ryan, will be there to tell you that all 5 of those spots belong to Goro.
I almost forgot to mention, the Raiden community’s over reaction to the f1 nerf was beautiful. If somehow you missed it, head over to the hot fix thread for an entertaining read. Apparently this was an essential part of the Thunder God’s toolset, and NRS went too far. Let’s all hold a moment of silence for poor Raiden mains.
Warning: the next segment of the report is new and may offend those of you who are sensitive. By continuing to read on you agree to not get offended, bitch or moan. It is all in good spirit and is in no way meant to be disrespectful.
Saltiest Notable Members
This week, we have a new feature, which should need no explanation really.
There were many candidates, and the competition was stacked, but we have two winners.
The first, goes to one of my favourite members of the community, Kitana Prime. I mean, I do feel sorry for Kitana mains, but the salt was unparalleled:
I'd like to say that this was only the initial, knee-jerk reaction from Kitana Prime, and he quickly realised it was an overreaction himself.
The second goes to Tom Brady. Now, whereas I feel the Kitana crying is justified, these Sub Zero tears need to freeze. I mean, looking at Brady’s recent status posts is like scrolling through Rick Astley’s discography from 1989 onwards.
Now, I shouldn’t have to say it, but I will. This last section is not malicious in any way and I have a lot of respect for these two players and am just pointing out their salt, nothing more.
@mwelele zaza
Tanya
First, we had the Tanya scare. People were freaking out in the twitch stream and losing it over twitter calling her “Batgirl 2.0”. Cries of “top 5, top 10 easily” were all over the shop. People were claiming she was some horrible product from an orgy gone wrong between Akuma, Rolento, Batgirl and Decapre. A thread was even created in the Tanya forums before she was even released entitled “Nerfbat?”. I swear to God, I am not making this shit up.
I imagine a lot of you think that I’m exaggerating and you can’t remember the Tanya scare. Well, that’s probably because of the hotfix notes, which arrived the next day, when everyone lost their fucking minds.
Kenshi
The first of June should now be celebrated as Kenshi’s birthday, as the hot fix may as well have been called “Kenshi-main porn and some other shit”. He got venom pumped into every orifice possible, striking fear into everyone that wasn’t prepared to run into Pig’s arms and accept him as their new father. Although, some *cough*stomthegates*cough* even talked about setting up a petition to have these buffs removed. It would appear the Salt machine of MK9 is back.
The children not prepared to jump aboard the
Reptile
The instigator of the bottom 5 trend, this was one of the few which I can say with certainty was absolutely not a troll thread. The reptile community seems absolutely split, which I’m sure no one saw coming after the MK9 days…
Bold claims were made on both sides of the argument, but it was clear that the salt is very strong among the Reptile community. My personal favourite moment was PPJ jumping in and regulating, but I stopped reading after about 4 pages so I’m sure there is some gold in the following 30-odd pages of acidic tears. Special shoutouts to the guy that made the “reptile is perfect” thread. If you’re still alive, I respect your reptilian balls.
But talk of Reptile soon got boring, and that’s when TYM went ham. We had ”low tier”, “Buff pls”, “unviable” threads for Cassie, Sub Zero, D’Vorah, Ermac, Kano and fuck knows who else. If you weren’t part of the bottom 5 club, you just weren’t cool.
Now, my better judgement tells me most of these were trolling, but the latter three seemed serious, which made me want to reach through the internet and bitch slap some people Shinnok style. It was, however, entertaining to say the very least and I hope that Paulo was watching in the shadows, loving every minute of it while we turned on each other like the animals we are.
GORO
Infuriated by the absolute gall by any other community’s complaints, the Goro community was up in arms. Any time you even think about suggesting your main might be in the infamous bottom 5, you can be sure that the Goro army, led by AOK Ryan, will be there to tell you that all 5 of those spots belong to Goro.
I almost forgot to mention, the Raiden community’s over reaction to the f1 nerf was beautiful. If somehow you missed it, head over to the hot fix thread for an entertaining read. Apparently this was an essential part of the Thunder God’s toolset, and NRS went too far. Let’s all hold a moment of silence for poor Raiden mains.
Warning: the next segment of the report is new and may offend those of you who are sensitive. By continuing to read on you agree to not get offended, bitch or moan. It is all in good spirit and is in no way meant to be disrespectful.
Saltiest Notable Members
This week, we have a new feature, which should need no explanation really.
There were many candidates, and the competition was stacked, but we have two winners.
The first, goes to one of my favourite members of the community, Kitana Prime. I mean, I do feel sorry for Kitana mains, but the salt was unparalleled:
I'd like to say that this was only the initial, knee-jerk reaction from Kitana Prime, and he quickly realised it was an overreaction himself.
The second goes to Tom Brady. Now, whereas I feel the Kitana crying is justified, these Sub Zero tears need to freeze. I mean, looking at Brady’s recent status posts is like scrolling through Rick Astley’s discography from 1989 onwards.
Now, I shouldn’t have to say it, but I will. This last section is not malicious in any way and I have a lot of respect for these two players and am just pointing out their salt, nothing more.
@mwelele zaza
